For nearly two-and-a-half hours, the 94th Academy Awards were a predictably unpleasant disaster: awkward, arrhythmic, unfunny. They were destined to be aggressively forgettable, and their legacy was likely to be a harsh reputation of the Academy’s baffling decision to announce the awards for eight categories during the red carpet and then “integrate” them into the proper broadcast. It was a dull and haphazard show, one certain to ignite the usual funereal chatter about the Oscars’ supposed irrelevance.
Then Will Smith slapped Chris Rock in the face, and the show morphed into an entirely different type of fiasco—uglier, messier, and undeniably more memorable, albeit for bad reasons.
But let’s not brush past those eight marginalized categories. The Academy’s justification for shunting them to the preshow was twofold: It would save time, and it would allow greater room for more dynamic presentations during the main telecast (in the hope that some Spider-Man fans might tune in). Both of those motives were fraudulent—saving a few minutes isn’t worth depriving hard-working artists of their rare chance at the Hollywood limelight, and superhero fanboys were never going to watch just for the chance of seeing The Flash during a lightning-quick montage—but it would have been slightly less offensive had they actually fulfilled their own goals. They didn’t. Temporally, the show still took forever, limping well past the 3.5-hour mark. And the populist gestures—a burst of James Bond footage, an “Oscars Cheer Moment” featuring three superhero flicks, the unveiling of the infamous #OscarsFanFavorite—were feebly executed, failing to generate any excitement. It felt like that Nicole Kidman AMC ad in reverse: Stories felt imperfect and powerless.
The three hosts—Regina Hall, Wanda Sykes, and Amy Schumer, all talented women—were overmatched, disappearing for long stretches and flailing when they did return. Sure, they landed a few jabs (including one aimed at the Florida legislature for its vile “Don’t Say Gay” bill), but they leaned too hard into lazy criticisms, mocking various films as overlong or intellectual rather than celebrating the medium. (Hall’s exaggerated thirstiness was initially funny, until she felt up Josh Brolin and Jason Momoa.) But it’s difficult to blame the hosts individually; instead, their faltering was a symptom of the show’s labored construction, which was too clumsy for its emcees to develop any comic rhythm.
And then there was The Slap. It reflected poorly on Rock—who mocked Jada Pinkett Smith’s baldness, presumably not knowing that she has alopecia—and far worse on Smith—who leapt onto the stage and smacked Rock in the face in the middle of the fucking show. It was shocking, uncomfortable, and viral, sending the internet into a frenzy and immediately becoming the show’s defining moment. And that’s the real shame: Our collective memory of this year’s Oscars will have nothing to do with the movies nominated at this year’s Oscars. It won’t even be our righteous anger toward the Academy for failing to properly honor the winners of eight different categories. It’ll be one celebrity slapping another celebrity. What a waste.
But wait, you’re saying, there’s no such thing as bad publicity! For the first time in forever, people cared about the Oscars! Maybe that’s true—anecdotally, my phone had been silent all night, and when the slap happened, multiple text chains started lighting up—but the thing is, I don’t care about people caring about the Oscars. I care about the movies themselves. At their platonic core, the Academy Awards are meant to pay tribute to the films and artists they’re honoring; sure, they often pick the wrong ones, but that’s still their theoretical function. People being interested in the Oscars because of a celebrity altercation is as meaningless to me as the Academy sweatily courting uninterested viewers by pandering to populist tastes. The Oscars are terrified of falling out of touch with the public, and that terror just might place them out of touch with the movies.
So it goes. Maybe the Oscars aren’t meant to be relevant, and maybe that’s OK. Or maybe next year they’ll get it right. What matters is the movies themselves; they’ll still be here either way.
Per tradition, here’s a quick rundown on the winners in the 20 feature categories in order (well, sort of) of their presentation:
Best Supporting Actress
Predicted winner: Ariana DeBose—West Side Story (confidence: 5/5)
Preferred winner: Ariana DeBose—West Side Story
Actual winner: Ariana DeBose—West Side Story
Always nice when the Academy gets one right. DeBose delivered the very first speech of the night, and it was one of the best—a heartfelt appreciation of her craft, and a powerful message about queerness and community.
Best Sound
Predicted winner: Dune (confidence: 5/5)
Preferred winner: Dune
Actual winner: Dune
Last thing I’ll say about the infuriating category-marginalization thing: It was bitterly ironic (and, frankly, kind of hilarious), that Dune—by far the most commercially successful Best Picture nominee—won six awards on the night, easily the most of any movie… and four of them were announced during the preshow, thereby completely negating any possible sense of momentum it might have built during the main telecast. The Academy botched this so badly, it stopped the spice from flowing.
Best Cinematography
Predicted winner: Dune—Greig Fraser (confidence: 3/5)
Preferred winner: West Side Story—Janusz Kaminski
Actual winner: Dune—Greig Fraser
I’ll admit it, I did not have “The award for Best Cinematography will be presented by the three stars of White Men Can’t Jump” on my bingo card.
Best Visual Effects
Predicted winner: Dune (confidence: 4/5)
Preferred winner: Dune
Actual winner: Dune
Drag ’em, Rachel Zegler!
This was eventually followed by the first of the song performances, which were mostly adequate and boring. The weirdest, of course, was the not-nominated “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” from Encanto, which the show perverted by changing its lyrics to make it about the Oscars, thus making an already-questionable decision appear even more dubious.
Best Animated Feature
Predicted winner: Encanto (confidence: 4/5)
Preferred winner: Luca
Actual winner: Encanto
It was at this point that the foolish cinephile thought to himself, “Hey, maybe I’ll go 20-for-20 on my predictions…”
Best Supporting Actor
Predicted winner: Troy Kotsur—CODA (confidence: 4/5)
Preferred winner: Kodi Smit-McPhee—The Power of the Dog
Actual winner: Troy Kotsur—CODA
OK, this was legitimately sweet: first, last year’s winner Youn Yuh-jung signed the announcement of Kotsur’s victory before verbally declaring it; then, Kotsur delivered a sincere and rousing speech. Sometimes, the Oscars can be good.
Best International Feature
Predicted winner: Drive My Car (Japan) (confidence: 5/5)
Preferred winner: Drive My Car (Japan)
Actual winner: Drive My Car (Japan)
Another neat moment where Ryûsuke Hamaguchi refused to be played off the stage. I sympathize with the orchestra conductor, though; we wouldn’t want to cross that sacred three-hour mark, would we?
Best Costume Design
Predicted winner: Cruella (confidence: 3/5)
Preferred winner: Cruella
Actual winner: Cruella
In addition to winning for Cruella, Jenny Beavan also has Oscars for A Room with a View and Mad Max: Fury Road. That’s one hell of an impressive and diverse career.
Best Original Screenplay
Predicted winner: Don’t Look Up—Adam McKay (confidence: 1/5)
Preferred winner: The Worst Person in the World—Joachim Trier and Eskil Vogt
Actual winner: Belfast—Kenneth Branagh
Whoa! Belfast wouldn’t have been my pick, but I far prefer its screenplay to that of Don’t Look Up, which I’m happy to report walked away with zero Oscars. (In fact, despite receiving 27 total nominations, Netflix earned just a single trophy on the night.)
Best Adapted Screenplay
Predicted winner: CODA—Siân Heder (confidence: 2/5)
Preferred winner: The Power of the Dog—Jane Campion
Actual winner: CODA—Siân Heder
Surely this would be CODA’s last victory of the night, yes?
Best Original Score
Predicted winner: Dune—Hans Zimmer (confidence: 2/5)
Preferred winner: The Power of the Dog—Jonny Greenwood
Actual winner: Dune—Hans Zimmer
Zimmer didn’t even show up, respect.
Best Film Editing
Predicted winner: Dune—Joe Walker (confidence: 2/5)
Preferred winner: The Power of the Dog—Peter Sciberras
Actual winner: Dune—Joe Walker
Desert power.
Best Documentary Feature
Predicted winner: Summer of Soul (confidence: 3/5)
Actual winner: Summer of Soul
This was, of course, the award that was preceded by The Slap, and one of the casualties of the incident was Questlove, whose work was instantly and unfortunately overshadowed by the events surrounding its proclamation. Sigh.
And then, for one final insult, the Academy brought on Diddy to present a tribute to The Godfather for its 50th anniversary… and then overlaid the montage with Kanye West’s “Can’t Tell Me Nothing.” I understand the theoretical impulse of trying to connect young Black audiences with old white movies, but folks, this is the freaking Godfather; you don’t need to pipe in music to make it look awesome.
Best Production Design
Predicted winner: Nightmare Alley (confidence: 1/5)
Preferred winner: Nightmare Alley
Actual winner: Dune
Hey, remember last week when I asked how many of the “big techies” Dune would win? It won all five! Quite the showing.
Best Original Song
Predicted winner: “No Time to Die”—Billie Eilish and Finneas O’Connell (from No Time to Die) (confidence: 2/5)
Preferred winner: “Dos Oruguitas”—Lin-Manuel Miranda (from Encanto)
Actual winner: “No Time to Die”—Billie Eilish and Finneas O’Connell (from No Time to Die)
That makes three straight Oscars for Bond theme songs.
Best Director
Predicted winner: Jane Campion—The Power of the Dog (confidence: 5/5)
Preferred winner: Steven Spielberg—West Side Story
Actual winner: Jane Campion—The Power of the Dog
A woman, again! What a concept!
Best Actor
Predicted winner: Will Smith—King Richard (confidence: 4/5)
Preferred winner: Benedict Cumberbatch—The Power of the Dog
Actual winner: Will Smith—King Richard
Well, this was awkward. Smith was clearly emotional during his speech, which counts for something, and he was vaguely apologetic. He also seemed to present himself as a hero for defending his wife’s honor (yikes), and he clumsily attempted to align his behavior to Richard Williams’ own trajectory. It was mostly incoherent. But don’t worry: The jokes next year about the whole thing will be even worse.
Best Makeup and Hairstyling
Predicted winner: The Eyes of Tammy Faye (confidence: 3/5)
Preferred winner: Cruella
Actual winner: The Eyes of Tammy Faye
As expected. Speaking of which, I went 17-for-20 on my predictions in the feature categories, a decent showing provided you weigh Best Picture equally with every other category.
Best Actress
Predicted winner: Jessica Chastain—The Eyes of Tammy Faye (confidence: 1/5)
Preferred winner: Olivia Colman—The Lost Daughter
Actual winner: Jessica Chastain—The Eyes of Tammy Faye
Solid speech from Chastain. This was far from her best performance, but she’s a keeper.
Best Picture
Predicted winner: The Power of the Dog (confidence: 1/5)
Preferred winner: West Side Story
Actual winner: CODA
A quick word on CODA: I like CODA. I think it’s a good movie. I do not think it is a masterpiece. I do not think it was one of the best movies of 2021. I am not mad that it won Best Picture. I write this seemingly contradictory flurry of thoughts because I suspect that, over the next few weeks and months and perhaps years, you will hear rhetoric that CODA’s claim of the Oscars’ top prize is an embarrassment to Hollywood and the Academy. People are entitled to their own opinions, and mine is that getting angry about which movie wins Best Picture is an unhealthy expenditure of psychic energy.
Then again: a future where people argue about the actual movies nominated at the Oscars? That might be too much to hope for.
Jeremy Beck is the editor-in-chief of MovieManifesto. He watches more movies and television than he probably should.